Honestly? When the web Ashley Madison had a leak, it showed that there were far more men there. So for me is more an observation. It seems to be two kinds of cheaters, the “opportunist” that are the ones who weren’t looking to cheat but meet someone on their day-to-day and end cheating. And then there are the ones who actively look to cheat. From what we learned in Ashley Madison, men seem to be the majority of the second ones. That also matches with my friends and my experience.
The difference is that the “opportunist cheaters” lie to their partners, while the ones who actively look to cheat, might lie both to their partners and lovers. I mean, it is also common to let the lover think that there is a chance of a committed relationship.
On the other hand, in ethical non-monogamy, no one is deceived. So it is very different from cheating. The people who cheat don’t respect their partners and don’t care that they are going to hurt them (It is just a matter of time). The others are trying to be fair and not hurt anyone involved.
No, cheating is not sex. If it was, then it would be the same as non-monogamy. But it is not. Cheating is deceiving. That is exactly the reason people don’t like cheating but can accept non-monogamy. Cheating is betraying someone’s trust and disrespecting them. You take away their right to choose what they want in a relationship through deception. Because most people who go into a monogamous relationship don’t want to share a partner. If they knew, they would break up and have a chance to look for another person who wants the same. But the cheater wants them to stay and be faithful to them while they basically have it both ways. And by having them stay, the person who is deceived might be passing opportunities to be in a relationship with other people that would be more fulfilling for them.
You think that “those relationships are pretty good”. For whom? Not for the person being cheated on. That person would have less attention from their partner. And when that person finds out, is going to feel hurt and betrayed. Because that person trusted the other. So only the hurt person has a say about it that “one-time mistake”. It is not on the cheater to decide if the person who was betrayed is able to trust the cheater again.
Besides, you contradict yourself. First, you say “cheating” is SEX” and then you say “not built on just SEX”. I think that there are two kinds of cheating. But all kinds of cheating involve deception and betrayal of trust to at least one person.
As for the “we are sexual beings” and perfection, I want to point out that non-monogamy and open marriages are an option where no one is deceived and there is trust. A divorce is also an option if things don’t work anymore. Going behind your partner’s back is also an option, but one that is going to hurt your partner.
Sure, we should look at the vows, promises, and expectations we create. People can get hurt even in situations where there was no promise explicitly made, but the person has allowed them to think that there is a chance for commitment or a real relationship when it is just a fling.
The people who go “cheater!” are acknowledging the hurt created by betraying someone’s trust. That is why they don’t react the same to the non-monogamous. Well, I suppose that for religious people those are the same because for them is about sex, but for non-religious, there is a difference.
So to answer this:
so should a one time mistake wreck everything? I don’t think it should.
A relationship can recover from cheating. But the first step to recovering the trust is that the cheater acknowledges the damage done. That is, the deception, the betrayal of trust and the partners (and maybe also the lovers) hurt feelings. The cheater has disrespected the person that claims to love. If the cheater can’t take responsibility for the harm and takes no steps to repair the damage, what hope there is for a healthy relationship?
And let's face it, many cheaters don’t like the idea that their partners have lovers too. Again, a difference between cheating and ethical non-monogamy or open marriages. So they expect to be forgiven, but not that their partners don’t do the same to them. Not very fair, don’t you think?
So give it a thought and tell me, when you asked that question, who were you thinking about? About wives forgiving the husbands for “the sake of the family”? Someone you know and close to you? Well, you only have a right to say if you forgive cheating done to you. Asking others to forgive the cheating is unfair and might increase the hurt done to them. And yes, cheating is not the only way a partner can be disrespected and hurt, but it is one way. Let’s acknowledge that.
