Improve your dating life with minimum effort

Here is the thing, you probably have a good life. You have family, friends, a job that pays the bills, interesting hobbies, and a life that makes you happy. And let’s be honest here, you don’t really want to change that many things about yourself and the way you live. And why would you? It works the way it is, you are happy. You want a partner or maybe hookups, but that’s it.

But when you read dating advice, most of it tells you to change yourself. You need to “be an alpha!”, “be more ladylike!”. Men like this, women like that (coincidently, that usually means “not you”), and plenty of platitudes that help nothing, because your dating life hasn’t improved. Yes, they give you a long, long list of things to do, things you need to change about yourself, and twisted logic and tactics to trick others into dating you.

Yes, you do have more people swiping right, those photoshop filters, carefully curated pictures work wonders in the app, but once they see you in person, you do know they are disappointed. You aren’t what they expected. Well, you set yourself for failure. Of course, they are going to be disappointed if you don’t look like your pictures.

I’m not saying that you need to put ugly pictures, chose pictures where you look great, but people can recognize you. If you have a belly, you have it and it is OK. There would be people attracted to you. If you have white hairs, wrinkles, maybe your teeth aren’t perfect or maybe you are tall, short, whatever. There would be people attracted to you. But the ones who won’t be attracted to you for those reasons are going to notice on your first date.

So save yourself from that date doomed to fail. Don’t waste your time and money on that. It is better if they swipe left. You won’t even notice if they do and you won’t waste your time on one of those terrible and awkward dates where both of you know that there won’t be a second date but want to be polite. One of those that end like “you are a great person and I’d like us to be friends, but I don’t see us as a couple/having sex”. Or worse, one of those that you thought went well but end in ghosting.

Of course, looks aren’t everything. As we all know, many things can go wrong in dating. Sometimes it almost feels as if having a great date that leads to more dates is almost impossible. From religion to politics, your family, your job, your hobbies, being in opposite soccer teams, even having a pet.

Who could have known that sexy, potential lover has an allergy to your loved cat overlord? Or that, oh, so devilish handsome guy can’t stand spices in his food. Well, they do.

So here is the key, at the other side of the screen, there is someone swiping left and right as if there was no tomorrow. That someone knows what is important for them, what they like and dislike. So if something is an important part of your life, show it. Your furry overlord should appear in some of your pictures. If you have a MAGA hat, wear it. Or wear your pride flag. Don’t be afraid to appear in your gaming chair next to your PC, or sweaty after a tough climb. Whatever is important to you should be there, in your profile. Especially the things that make you happy and proud. And if someone doesn’t like it, let them swipe left.

But then I would have fewer matches! Oh, no, the horror! Less awkward dates where you thought everything was going well until you mention that you learned Klingon and your date made a face and you knew you have screwed badly. Or that one where the moment someone mentioned your home state the conversation became political and both of you left the date angry. Or that time that you reached your home for sexy times only to end at the hospital because your date has a severe allergy to your dog. Or worse, doesn’t believe in using condoms.

Sometimes, not having a date is better than a failed date. One where you have your hopes go up just to be rejected again. You could have been instead with friends or family, doing something else that makes you happy. No matter who you are, you only have 24 hours a day and have plenty of other things to do. So your aim should be to only go on firsts-dates with some possibilities to work. If someone is going to reject you for who you are, who are your family, friends, values, ideas, or some other thing that you don’t want to change in your life, let them swipe left.

I’m serious, it is a matter of time they find out that thing that they dislike and leave you in the cold. And that could be after spending lots of money on the date and making you horny. And maybe you said no to another potential date that could have worked, but since you rejected them because you couldn’t be at two places at the same time, that other date doesn’t want to meet another day. Now you would never know if that other date could have worked.

So yeah, you’ll be trading having a higher number of matches for a lower number of matches but with a higher potential of success. Remember, you only have 24 hours a day, seven days a week and you want to keep going to raids or drinking with your palls, or maybe just binge-watch Netflix. And that also takes time. So you can only go to so many dates before going broke, getting bored, or just fed up with the whole thing.

So now that you have made sure that people who would never like you anyway swipe left, the ones who still swipe right (and there would be people who swipe right) are the ones with potential. Here we might be tempted to give a chance to anyone who is still there. Well, don’t. I’m serious, don’t sell yourself short. You need to be selective and only go on dates with people that you do like.

In the same way that only they know of their likes and dislikes, you are the only one who knows if someone with snakes as pets, is your dream or your nightmare. It is what it is, from Blade runner to Salma Hayek’s dance, women with snakes are sexy. But what if you are Indiana Jones? So pay attention to the information people put about themselves. Looking through all their pictures and reading what they have bothered to write would tell you about them. Here are a few practical tips.

Pictures, google search allows you to search for similar pictures. Using that functionality before agreeing to date would show where else are the pictures uploaded and when. This is important. If the picture is uploaded under someone else name, you do know something is off. Maybe they want to be anonymous, or maybe they are cheating, or using someone else pictures. Skip.

Sometimes they are just lazy. They created the profile five years ago and the picture is just old. They might have gained weight or gone bald and maybe that is not a big deal. But you do want to know what they look like now, before the date. Unless you have a DeLorean time machine, you need to be attracted to the now, not the past.

Everyone lies, but actions speak louder than words. So try to identify patterns in the profiles. As we all know, showing skin (especially men), means they want sex. Sexy pictures, but few words reinforce that message. So if you are looking for some sexy time that won’t ask questions later, focus on the people who don’t fill all their profiles and just upload sexy pictures. In fact, it is probably more efficient if you go to webs focused on sex. And if you have kinks, focus on the ones that indulge in your fantasies. Hell, you can even make your pictures spicy just because.

If the profile has all fields completed and they have a carefully written description, the more information an effort in the profile, the more seriously they take things. In general, people who want to commit won’t commit to anyone, so they would read your profile, ask questions, and expect that you do read their profile, ask questions and remember the things they told you.

Are they cat lovers? What was their cat named? Look for things that you can have in common, talk about that, and good luck. They might not be your perfect partner. But if you have things in common, chances are that they do know more people with things in common with you. So even if it doesn’t work with that person, ending in a friendly tone can help you meet someone who is perfect for you.

The other thing it is worth paying attention to is specific expressions and words. Some words like “snowflake”, “sensitive”, “woke”, “empowered”, “non processed food”, “crazy ex”, “feminazi”… identify the values or the group of the person we are talking with belong. Religious Christians won’t be able to date Sunday morning because they would go to mass. So if you want to date one and they agree to meet Sunday morning, pay attention, they might not be as religious as they say. Someone might claim to be feminist, but if they use words like “snowflake” or accuse their ex of being too “sensitive”, suspect something off. My point is, you do know the things that rub you the wrong way. Listen to your inner voice, no matter how horny they make you, you know they are trying to hide that part from you because they know you would reject them if they just tell you. So just reject them now and save yourself from another disappointment.

I know, I know, if you follow my advice and barely have positive matches and then keep rejecting people (that you don’t like) you might have just one date once in a while (or not, maybe you just have fewer dates to choose from). That happens and it is thought. But the reason for that is that we want to skip all the dates that would never work. Those that leave a sour taste in our mouth, the ones who could make us bitter from failed dating. That saves us time and money for the ones with at least some chance of success. Or for our family, friends, and ourselves, which is also good.

Be respectful, keep living the great life that you already have, and enjoy that. Remember that you can meet people doing the things you love. And the friends you make can introduce you to other single people that aren’t even in dating apps... If you go on a date, have a nice time but they tell you that they only want to be friends, don’t be bitter. Friends are great and since they know you are single and looking, they might introduce you to their other single friends.

At the end of the day, the key to a better dating life is to remember that you were happy with your life with the only exception of being single/not having as much sex as you wanted. You do still have that life to focus on, so the only time you should devote to dating is the one you have free after everything else. That and let others work for you by swiping left or, you know, introducing you to people that you might like. For that, they need to know what you like, but they are your friends for something, right?

I can’t promise this would work for you. No one can promise that their method would work. What I can tell you is that if you are one of those frustrated with the “Hi, I’m xxx, what do you do?” and then go on what feels like a job interview where you say the same dozens of times” and are bored before the date started. Bored of dates with little hope of success because all the other dates have failed and you don’t like the other person that much to begin with. Then repeating the same is unlikely to get you better results. You need to break the pattern.

This worked for me, but each person is different. Yes, I did everything I wasn’t supposed to. Minimized matches, didn’t change, didn’t hide my flaws, I didn’t settle even if I was told that I “shouldn’t be picky” or I would be out of the market and all the usual advice. But at the end of the day, the only thing I did know is that I didn’t want to change the things about my life that I loved just to be with someone. So I just didn’t. And it worked.

It worked because the other single people who don’t want to be single are also looking. Some of them are looking for you. So if you make it easy for them to find you, the chances for both of you improve.

It is not about tricking someone, it is about finding one of the few people you don’t need to do any of that. There is no make-up after a night of sex, no pretending when you live together, at some point you might even fart in front of them. So they better like you as is. You can’t wear a mask the whole time. So you need someone who likes what is behind the mask and brings the best in you.

You aren’t perfect and neither is that person looking for you. But who cares? You’ll be perfect together and what other people think is of no importance. And if this won’t work for you, try something else. But don’t change the things that you like in your life for others, it is not worth it.

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Elisa Mariño

Elisa Mariño

Fiction is the art to tell lies to show truths. Politics is the art to use truths to tell lies.