The reason sex is mentioned is because it is a shortcut. It is seen as the ultimate betrayal. It save people from having to go into detail about what it was a betrayal.

You are wrong thinking that people or (I) won't react to other types of betrayal. AITA reddit is a perfect example of this. People understand open marriages, they don't understand the lies and going behind the back. Specially in situations when the other person needs someone reliable.

Sure, there is cheating in open relationships, but as I Keep saying, it is not about sex. Again, people in open relationships don't divorce over sex, it goes beyond that.

To put it simply, each people values some things. Many people value sexual fidelity. If your partner values sexual fidelity and you know it, then if you have an affair, you are betraying their trust. It could be over not feeding their cat or other things that they find important, but in this situation is about sexual fidelity. Just because you don't value that, doesn't make it less vaid for others.

You don't share the values that say that "sexual fidelity is important". OK, but if your partner does, then you either accept that as a vlaid reason for divorce or you shouldn't be with that person an instead be with someone who also consider divorce over extramarital sex irrelevant or unnimportant.

I'm afraid that in your situation what is happening is that one or both of you have changed. It is tough, you still have feelings for her, but she is not meeting your needs. So you need to make a choice, remain like this os be the one who breaks up. Or maybe go to counseling. Otherwise, it is a matter of time she finds out, you'll hurt her. Then "all hell breaks loose" and you would end in a bad break up with way more resentment.

I'm not saying this to be obnoxious or judmental, I'm saying this because it is what I think is most probable. You want to avoid the break up, but it might be imposible to avoid. And it hurt, obviously. Maybe counseling might work.

But the moment you cheat, you go from a "non-fault" break up to "this is your fault" (from society perspective). And while telling your wife that you need certain things leads to no where, if you cheat the reaction when she founds out would be worse. And people tend to find out. The more times it happens, the more potential clues and chances to be find out, because she's been with you for so long, she would notice any changes. Sometimes you need to chose between two bad options.

I've read somewhere that you need to ask yourself, if this situation lasted one year more, would I break up? And five? If you think that counseling won't work, that things are not ok and are waiting for some change that deep down know it is not going to happen, then I'm afraid that you might end divorcing anyway (over the lack of sex). Relationships should make you happy.